When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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