Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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