oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
