I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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