Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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