That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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