The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
whose parrot is this?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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