new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.