Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.