i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
