She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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