Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
