Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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