I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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