explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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