she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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