I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
