So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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