a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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