I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
