Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
