and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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