The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
