If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
