i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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