I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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