So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
