my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
