i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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