I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
