Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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