My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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