You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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