Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
