My underwear smells like fireworks.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
