Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
