They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
