Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
