walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i barfeds in our rink
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
