They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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