I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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