You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
