i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
