i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
