walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
