so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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