the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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