I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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