I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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