first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
