The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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