As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
