Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
