I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
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I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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