wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
