I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
