i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
